Last night I had an earth shattering moment of complete clarity. I have never been in love. Sure, i’ve liked people, I have felt compassion for people and I have cared for others. But as soon as it steps over into the start of intense feeling, I run a mile. I look for evidence that the person doesn’t really like me… I turn the slightest little thing into proof that they are going to go soon anyway so I should end things now.
Seeing this crystal clear for the first time has left me feeling devastated.
My counsellor has explained to me how lack of love, attention and affection in childhood has left me with a need to learn some basic human skills a lot later in life than most, and I accept that. But how do you learn, from scratch, at the age of 37 how to love and to allow someone else to love me? It feels so overwhelming and scary. Is it even possible?