Last night I had an earth shattering moment of complete clarity. I have never been in love. Sure, i’ve liked people, I have felt compassion for people and I have cared for others. But as soon as it steps over into the start of intense feeling, I run a mile. I look for evidence that the person doesn’t really like me… I turn the slightest little thing into proof that they are going to go soon anyway so I should end things now.
Seeing this crystal clear for the first time has left me feeling devastated.
My counsellor has explained to me how lack of love, attention and affection in childhood has left me with a need to learn some basic human skills a lot later in life than most, and I accept that. But how do you learn, from scratch, at the age of 37 how to love and to allow someone else to love me? It feels so overwhelming and scary. Is it even possible?
The past few weeks have been tough. I am working through some issues with my wonderful counsellor and realised a little while ago just how reliant I was on her. It freaked me out! After a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety I managed to build up the courage to tell her. She was amazing.
We have started to work through the issues and I now have a stronger understanding of what has been happening. I have never had love or kindness from my mother and now, 37 years later I am still craving it and clinging on to anyone who shows compassion and kindness to me. I felt silly when she explained it to me but now I realise that it’s something everyone needs as a child and I am not to blame for not being given it.
I hope I can move forward and learn to be a bit kinder to myself. As my counsellor says “you are not rubbish or bad… you are unskilled at the moment and you will learn to develop those skills”
I hope you all find some calm in your day today.